Summer, Autumn, Winter, and Spring..time flies so fast.  I feel like a bird that just found a new home in a strange world, as I furl my tired wings from flying through the horizons where once beyond it was a tiny sparkle  calling me.  Wounded but motivated and strong-willed by faith, I moved forward in Silence. Here, I can start fresh and feels like rebirth simply because in every after storm, in one way or the other..the way I see the world has forever changed.  Looking around, blessed with this new environment, I can’t help myself but seldom look back…perhaps…my heart is telling me to share a piece of my untold story and be a conversancy for someone who’s on the same journey..

To be a survivor–first you must bleed. You bleed all that was inside of you: the pain, the memories, the fear, the wounds fusing together, the ties to what was in, all its forms. You bleed not once but several times.. And when you are empty, you either fade into a shadow or find the strength, and courage to live. When you stand up again, you are for a time, hollow–empty, like a bottle of beer lying on the street, cracked and reeking of its bitter contents. Then you fill yourself up with the new, your recreate yourself–you reform. You don’t have the same heart or mind. The way you see the world is forever changed.  – unknown author

Little by little, piece by piece, the few big parts of the puzzle that I didn’t want to finish was finally completed.  The whole time these pieces were scattered everywhere, waiting for me to put it on the right places then I eventually saw the whole picture.  The delineations were clear yet still vogue to comprehend. It portrayed more than Denial, Mask, Hurt, Death, but I notice the ugly path that just lead to a place that only God knows where.  Bewildered, I knew I had made a right decision with the wrong person, but this didn’t keep me from living or giving up my life.  Moreover, exertion of sanity was attained by getting more preoccupied in the fast lane and blessed with a loving family, true friends (which sadly, I hardly really even had the time to reply a simple message back then) and finding myself a simple faith.

Mistake is a nature of life but let it not dwell on us nor let us not tolerate matters to carry on despite of the clear consequences…we must learn from it. It may be from a minor or major life issue, let’s be responsible for our own faults…blaming is just a mere act of cowardice. Make no regret for at one point in our life it was one thing that we wanted. Be ready, strong and firm for the process of change because we are in the making of a life turning decision.  Take action.  Have Faith.  Let no one pull our life down or take it away from us for we & our family molded us to be the person that we are now to live the gift of life and the true essence of it.

With eyes wide open, I asked myself.  So what’s next?  Three words but needs so many answers.  My sister once told me, “try to trust your instinct”. The word Instinct doesn’t really exist in my persona vocabulary, not for a time & plan freak like me.  But the little voice behind my head kept on uttering that word…my instinct were telling me I was in danger and my life won’t even be enough to save some lost souls. Besides, even if I would be the martyr they expect me to be…it won’t be enough.  Inasmuch as I’m cognizant regarding the subject , if the person gave up and chose his darker path…there’s nothing for us left to do. Only he himself can save his own self with necessary extreme determination.  Certainly, the person can change his mind and words again like a cycle as it has always been.  But moment came that it more sounded like the tale from “The boy who cried out Wolf”.  Time was always ticking for me and as well as my running to-do-list. But my loaded list was changing…from business tasks to doing only one thing.  #1 ACCEPTANCE which was the hardest part. Only one job but this means so many things, so many that will incredibly change my world.

And yes, it deed.  As I carry on with my journey with a minor Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I thank my strong optimistic mind & soul for kicking this PTSD out of my way.  No matter how thousand of miles I am away from home, still in a vulnerable state that is masked by my positive point of view in life…false hearsays and word-of-mouth somehow still get its way into my veins. Many things have been said but I opt to express my emotions and maintain my silence on sensitive matters for I owe no one any explanation.

If I was guilty of something , it was Ignorance.  Guilty for the price of denial, blinded by used to be overwhelming feelings and living in a world of make-believe.  Guilty of giving my all but knew my limitations. And most of all, guilty in keeping myself composed despite of the turmoil. I guess I did a great job in concealing explicit sensible matters because when I finally took my turning point, I left everyone in perplex.  In any case, I defended myself by restraining to look back, starting out again, focus on my goal, and pursue to make my dreams a reality.

I know by keeping this silence, I will forever be judged by the bitter souls.  Breaking up the tranquility won’t justify anything but rather it will be just another story for them to confabulate.  Besides, what good would it bring if I would open that closed-door to everyone?  The matter of fact is….either closed or open door…those preying eyes would always have something for causerie.  Gabfest, chit-chat, scuttlebutt, gossip or you name it…go on if it makes you contented to cover up your hurt ego. This is not how we Live, let not our decisions be manipulated nor influenced by this type of  chaotic environment hence let us be ascertained by who we truly are and guided by logic thoughts and morals.  They can never erase the truth behind everything and they can never change me on how I see things for I will forever be driven in silence.

Years ago, I came across this poem (above) from a woman’s support group and felt her every word.   I am still the same old me or should I say, I’m back to my own senses.  Tears are back  after numbness, I get teary eyed in just about everything from reading or watching comedy flicks to being happy for a friend’s success.  Nature has even more glorious more than ever for it reminds me that I’m not alone.  I savour more on my new self discovery about cooking, planting, cleaning which were all a surprise to me.  Still on the process of starting anew, there are still many things left unresolved but I’m almost there.  Resignation from this challenging world of career is calling me.  My wings are wider now and dreams are simpler and bigger.  When things are done, I will be a Home Maker…a challenging part which I under estimated before.  As  the cliché goes, “All things happen for a reason” and whatever tides may bring us be always Optimistic and Grateful.

The essence of optimism is that it takes no account of the present, but it is a source of inspiration, of vitality and hope where others have resigned; it enables a man to hold his head high, to claim the future for himself and not to abandon it to his enemy. – Dietrich Bonhoeffer

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A friend once asked what is more precious than a “diamond & gold”

It kept me thinking…

Sure like everyone else, I had my own fantasy wish list that is still waiting to come true.  I was thinking of Berkin, seeing the world together with a true love & a lot more!  But the most important thing flashed on my mind was my Prayer Kit.

Unfortunately last month I lost my prayer kit in a hotel room.  I Could had left it behind or a hotel staff took it.  Wherever it is right now, I just wish he/she is keeping it like a precious gem.

What was in my kit? It was a pocket size replica of Mama Mary which I got from may late Lola Juaning.  Its too old that I always wrapped it in a scented hanky and stored in a small red box. Rosary bead that I got as a birthday gift from a friend, Rosary guide-book from my Mam Gem, a Rosary travel plastic card and Jesus Christ’s Novena Book from Mommy Ne. They were all inside in a Thai embroidered satin wallet.

For the first time in my life, I owned a precious beautiful kit. A jewelry box is nothing compared to it.  It was my strength, love, faith and the only thing that held me when the strings were getting too thin for me to hold on. It was the love of my life and best friend. It  was & still is my Mama Mary.

And for the first time in my life I felt terrible of losing something…it felt like I lost a 1karat solid rock diamond ring or even much more than that…that I had sleepless nights…made thinking about it even until today as I write this.

But my faith doesn’t stop there…deep inside me remains my love for Mom. The happiness that I have found with my Mommy is more precious than a diamond & gold.

Now that I’m currently living in Turkey, I couldn’t get another beautiful bead again from a priest nor friend nor relative. Not unless I go to Istanbul or Ankara City to “buy”…this means excluding the sentimental value. Then I thought why not make my own? So yesterday, I finished my rosary guide..and now I’m trying to make my own rosary bead from my pearl necklace accessory.  I just don’t know yet how to start my project.

As I’m figuring it out…I had this thought….

Each one of us is bounded my religion, problem or circumstances. It doesn’t matter whether you are Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Mormon, or Aethiest.  I wish you already have your precious Gem and True Happiness.  If you don’t have it yet..don’t find it. Because ıt is just everywhere around you that you are too busy to see it. Close your eyes from your busy world, just open your heart and give yourself time to think for all the love that you have all along.

Learn to Forgive. Love Again. Laugh out loud & often. Live gracefully.

Keep the faith.